Kong Fu - the inner demons

by Roman aka jar

Well ...

Didn't write some Kong Fu lately :)

For those who don't know what Kong Fu is: Pretty simple very open thoughts from my mind about my inner situation, which right now is really like a mad house.

As some of you recognized I am painting a big project for the german Games Day this year. I somehow learned in the last years not to expect anything when going to contests and it is the same this time. I just want to do a nice project with all my heart I can do. I am not painting for a demon. I paint for myself and if there might be a trophy for my project I will be happy. If there won't be one I still will be happy with my project. That is what I have learned from the past contest where I have been and during preparation for a contest. If I would think about such things while painting I can't paint. That is what the past showed me. I am a really happy painter walking this path.

So, yes I am painting to finish the project and yes the project will be finished. In the end it is finished when I enter it in Cologne that's the deal I have with myself. Honestly I have to say this project really has grown massive. I once thought you can learn to hate your project while I was spending ~160 hours on my Rhinotaure, but this time it is something totally different. Right now I am at around 280-300 hours and still as many as possible there to come. And now I really see what ups and downs during such a big project mean. I don't hate it all. I love it, but I somehow hate it too, honestly.

Today I took a little walk to the studio and somehow I felt my mind is carrying my body to the place to paint. It feels like the body is already surrendering or just says: Stop it! 

Going to the studio everyday without really realizing what I am doing there: Going into a too hot cave, listen to music I know by heart, paint like a madman with too fast drying colours, no time for my lady at home, no time for my friends, no time for my cats, no time for proper email work, no time for proper blog posts and so on ... is this really worth it? 

I don't know ... sometimes I am in the studio and one day you paint and paint and paint and late at night when you finish you have the feeling nothing happened in the progress. The other day you sit down for the first two hours and very, very much is happening, but it can't be planned. At least not from me. The picture of my project is evolving on its own, it is alive it seems, it is growing ... and Raffa once said to me: "Every single minute you will put in it, won't be wasted in the end." That is what comes to my mind very often while painting and waiting for the progress to get really visible.

Ups and Downs. Everyday. No idea what will be tomorrow, but I know that Games Day arrives soon, in eleven days we are jumping the car so I got eleven days left for pushing minutes into my project.
I am looking forward to that but I also hate it :D

Ups and downs. Lacks of energy, lacks of motivation sometimes, but always with a brush in hand and painting, while listening to music I know by heart. Boring? Yes, sometimes. Hard? Yes, sometimes. Rewarding? Yes, sometimes.

Today was just a day where I made my thoughts about this all and I came to my conclusion. I will not surrender now. I will bring it to an end. I am not expecting to win something but I want to win against my inner self. Against the demon that says, ough, that is enough now, that is ok, just take a break now, relax one day or so ... I will not listen to him/them. I will not surrender right now. I am a champion and I will fight my inner demons ... sounds like a lot of blabla ... and maybe it is.
Guess so :D

Thanks a lot to Thomas who sent me this video for motivation today. I did not ask him, he just sent it and it really helps to get motivated. Well, see for yourself ...

I will not surrender. I know there is no enemy standing in my way, only my inner demon that wants me weak. I will carry my tired bones to the place to paint the days I have left... and work some colours. Plow! Plow!

Keep on happy painting to everybody on the brush!
Be your own champion!
Kong Fu out! :)


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