some of you - the readers of Massive Voodoo - might know that MV started as a kind of diary for me. About work, about life and everything else. Posts with the label "Kong Fu" is where I find space to speak about personal stuff that is on my mind, heart and soul. It's been a while since the last serious Kong Fu and it helped me in the past to get rid of things that occoupied my mind. I think it is time to speak up now. I was wandering in the dark long enough and I feel the light telling me slowly the way to a better direction. That is why I'll write that Kong Fu.
Why? Let's find out.
Important:
These thoughts are just mine, Roman's. They are very personal. Don't joke on them.
No other MV member is speaking with these words right here. Just me. THIS is definatly too long to read and I am not sure if anyone will do until the end. There is no summary in the end as you have to find reason for yourself to read it and maybe find your own summary in the end.
Something is fighting inside me since a little while.
Small annoying demons without a face pulling on my beard and bringing mind pain since a little while. I am exhausted. Why? Because I had a great and creative miniature painting year 2014.
Because I wrote so many blogposts in 2014 concerning the great success of last years "MV's year of the painter", other blogposts, 5th year celebration of Massive Voodoo and many more things concerning the blog, had great painting classes with great students in 2014. Somehow 2014 felt like a year with many goals achieved, earned because of hard work. Day by day, but I also learned to find more space for myself, for my free time. I even lost weight by a diet and discipline and training. I am not able to travel to every contest outthere, I did go to to some and enjoyed them and learned to spent my free weekends away from my miniature work. 2014 felt like riding the waves.
2014 was a great year, but 2015 started somehow totally different. Why?
After the Monte San Savino Show 2014 I felt that my power is not endless. In retroperspective I was at a turning point after the show. My creative energies were emptied. I felt like a wanderer in a desert with no flowers there. I still put the rare energies I could find into bringing daily updates to the jungle blog, finishing the year of the painter with grace and painting some models, doing a cool class in the netherlands with great students, but my way of painting changed. Why?
I missed the flow I have during the projects I love to paint. Miniature painting is my daily work, but last year it did not feel like work. I was so enthusastic, powerful and strong and everything felt easy and great. Best work I ever had, but 2015 did not let me start my engine properly. 2014 was like working with colours without thinking about how to apply this or that colour or how to achieve the perfect blending while painting a miniature project. I had some nice blendings - simply a colour transition from A to Z - here and there, but never focused on achiving them. I just did paint.
Blending. This word is making miniature painters sick from the inside all around the globe. If you do not achieve a proper blending your miniatures are not worthy - somehow this crawled in my mind and I tried to paint clean and sober in the end of 2014. I had no fun at all. I felt like I lost my spirit.
Then Christmas time arrived and I said to myself: "Roman, you just need some time off from work! Why not do some holidays until new year!" Yeah, great idea, but I fell into a deep hole and for the first time ever in my life I am able to say I felt the meaning of the word "depression". I had no idea what was happening to me. I know about my ups and downs from the past, but a little rest and looking inside myself always helped me to get up again after some time of battery recharging.
But this time was different: I was scared of life, future, the actual moment, losing my comfort zone, which I actually did not have during these days. I felt really bad and had no idea why. After some talks with friends I got the tip out of my family to check my Vitamin D3 level at a doctor. This could be a reason for feeling so unable to handle fear or problems I was facing. So I did. Why? Because it just felt good to have any idea to a solution on what is going on.
Doctor's blood check brought the result. My Vitamin D3 level was so ridicilous low. I took my medicine and felt better straight away. Able to handle problems, get a grip on things I wanted to know and wanted to change. So far, so good. To those of you who do not know about Vitamin D3: It is a Vitamin you gain mainly from being in the sun and somehow I forgot about that in the second half of 2014. It ain't all about Vitamin D3, do not get me wrong here, but pushing that level up helped me to get back on track at least during daily life and helped me to work on other issues.
Ok, having solved some issues for myself meanwhile I was still struggling to find my creativity back and still am. Where has my muse gone? I am interested in finding some new music for myself but do nothing for it. Inside something is screaming for a change, but there is no direction available, at least that is how it seems. I am not interested in miniature news at all. Way too many miniatures on the market and my drawers are still packed with stuff I once thought to be interested in painting them up. No I am not. Not right now. Instead of riding the waves I felt like dying on my surfboard surrounded by sharks and well I gained weight again because of the lack of healthy discipline in the final months of 2014.
Time to find myself again, eh?
Time to look inside myself and find out what I am struggling with. Why I do not feel the creative freedom I seek?
Facebook is making me ill or mad or whatever you might call that. No offence at all. I mean on the one hand the quick connection to all your friends and fellow painters on facebook is great, but on the other hand it takes way too much time to see it all if you have over 1700+ facebook friends. I can not handle it. When I open up facebook for me it feels like somebody is pressing the toilet flush and holding the button. Way too much information rushing by. Hard to get a hold on something and if you want to check back with something you saw a moment before you get lost in the simple size of it. I am not able to answer all my facebook mails anymore. I try to tell everybody that they should contact me via mail as I am much more precise and accourate there. Facebook. I open it up to link a blogpost of MV to it, then I check other people's updates and flush ... my mind is occoupied with that idea, this colour scheme, that cool project, that advertisment, this super-sale, this great information, this blabla here, this comment there, this thumbs up, this wtf and more and more and more and more. Just too much. I think even if my brain says "No, do not take this information in too deep" I am a person who takes stuff I see during my trip in the facebook-world longer as expected inside myself, without knowing it. It distracts me subconsciously. I am feeling bad if I am not able to respond like others or thumb up here and there. Subconsciously it is there and it is driving me mad. I have to put in some distance between the health of my soul/brain and facebook. Still, no offence to anyone. I mean, some might understand what I mean with my talk about facebook, because they feel the same. This might be a reason I can work on. Doing less facebook or using it with more discipline, more focus. Deja vú.
Expectations others might have on me after this beautiful year of 2014, with so many output on the Massive Voodoo blog, with so many miniatures painted. It feels I am not able to live up to these expectations if I am always confronted by them. Expectations I put on myself because I think others have them on me. About quality, about style, about colour, about much more. I have to get rid of that.
Well, I wasn't able to spent much time in the studio with painting miniatures. If the muse is just not there every colour turns grey and the time in the studio I felt my heart aching. Why? I have no idea. So I spent some time at home. Working on Emails, writing on a book, solving issues, pushing other things forward, but not my painting. When I was painting I was painting like a robot. I mean for me it is like riding a bycicle. Painting everyday since several years leads you to that point, but I felt like a robot, my soul was not there. I was unhappy with every brushstroke I've done. Not that anyone else could see that, but I could. There was no soul in it. Just a robot. My brushes went dry. Sharks ate my muse and pooped her out all over the oceans. She seemed lost.
My painting felt empty for me in those months. My main focus seemed to be on trying to achieve nice blendings and I was losing the way I used to paint. The fun in throwing colours on a canvas.
Then we had the very cool painting class with Alfonso Giraldes. A fellow painter who told me once again what painting truely means. Having fun. Not about thinking too much in terms of quality of a paintjob, as every paintjob done with joy, heart and fun will turn out beautiful. My eyes start to see the beauty of every day colours again. I can not express how thankful I am to him to tell this truth to me while I was wandering in the dark.
Well, where does all this talk lead me?
I have no idea. What I know is that I have to paint to find my direction. That is why I am more often in the studio, at my painting table with brush in hand. To find my soul again. Eliminating the high pressure I put on myself by the high expections others might wait for from my side. Failing. Painting. Learning. Having fun. Enjoy. I am on this road and I start to enjoy it once again.
One thing I feel at the moment is that I am not able to do many photos for articles on the blog to explain something I do as I do not know myself. I studying my painting for myself and I can not tell you what I do. Just an example: I tried to take a photo of how I start with this particular skintone:
Well, easy job, eh? Usually I would start to tell you: I did start with painting the shadows of the skin with the colour A, then used the colour B in that mix and then went for the highlights to achieve blabla... well, this first photo was the only photo I took because I was painting without thinking. I just did and the result was just a self study for me and used for some mad progress explanations during a private coaching to mainly explain that there is nothing you can do wrong when you paint. I hope you learned that lesson, Jens? :D
The result looked like this and I had no expextations on quality or blendings or whatsoever. I just wanted to paint and enjoyed it, but I have no idea on how to find the energies nor the right words to explain the readers of MV - you - what I exactly did there:
I was just painting and it felt good. I wasn't painting like that since a while and I am out of training I'd say because of the lack of painting in the past months. Training on how to move the brush, training to feel the right colour to use here and there and so on.
I am just painting at the moment. Throwing the colour that I want to the place I want it to be. This is rough work and I like my rough work more at the moment instead of millions of minutes invested in a clean blended area. Another Roman bust and well, I can not read any Ancient Roman history novels anymore. I am feed up by them. I read so many in 2014 and it was fine, but I am totally going away from reading historical novels at the moment. Finding different books, unusual books with topics I never did read before is what I am seeking at the moment. I need a change and that change needs is conquering its space.
I also work on two comissions at the moment. One restauration of a broken figure and the other goal I have is to finish the project of the "Chimera". This is a WIP photo, before I worked on it in front of Alfonso's class. Before the colour storm and right now it looks cool for me but I am looking forward to throw some more colours on that base.
So, really now Roman - where does this blabla lead to?
I am finding my way back to painting and I am confused. I stop keep trying to fullfil expectations I expect others have of me. I am not able to repeat the year of the painter that 2014 has been. I am not able to write so many articles right now. I have to write less on the blog at the moment as I am in urgent need to find myself in my painting or I am going mad and therefore I have to paddle on my surfboard to find my wave to surf on. I have to panic those sharks to get rid of them and collect all that swimming poo. Maybe I can combine the last two.
Happy Painting to you all!
Roman
Vitamin D is the key to health in mind and body. your body can produce the proper healthy amount with just 20 minutes in the sun with no shirt. So eat lunch outside and show some skin everyone.
ReplyDeleteWelcome home Roman.
ReplyDeleteLet the paint flow, Automn is comin' with amazing colours.
In addition, if you have time to, you should read the book "Wizard of the pigeons" (french title is "le dernier magicien") from Megan Libdholm aka Robin Hobb. Truely inspirational.
Hey Roman,
ReplyDeleteI started reading this with a tear in my eye as I was reading about a man, a friend, lost and at times without knowing it.
By the end it had changed to a smile as I can see you are finding a direction and an optimism even if the new journey had just begun.
There are hundreds of reasons we do what we do, sometimes our motivators change and a new focus is needed. Sometimes in a 9 to 5 job a change of company can achieve that, with an artist that's harder to achieve.
My heart is with you as you plan the route and find new mountains to climb.
Can i suggest something? Try something different. Sanne is an oil painter right? Maybe take some time to stop being the master and try being the student. have Sanne give you some instruction. Do anything creative EXCEPT mini painting o_O Crazy i know, but i bet people would love to see your learning process. No pressure take whatever time you need. You've given so much :)
ReplyDeleteRoman my friend!!! This struggle is a natural thing and it happens to all of us. Your mind needs some real food and doing something else that keeps your brain curious and growing is what I would totally recommend. Surround yourself by passionate people (like Alfonso) will as you just said make you get back your motivation. And apart from these cheap recommendations, I send you all my love and the best vibes I can send from Madrid. :) And stay in the sun!
ReplyDeleteI gave up trying to achieve perfect blends years ago. I only paint to wargames standard so it's not as important, but always thought that perfect blends looked somehow false. They seem unreal. Almost plastic like. Not for me, I prefer some grit, some dirt, some life. Clean and perfect is boring!
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing the article, I hoped it helped you a little. Sometimes it's good to get these things off your chest. A problem shared is a problem halved, so they say. Gonna go out and get some vitamin D3 tomorrow - it won't help with painting, but may help me through the long winter months. Not long to spring - things will get better soon.
Hello , my brother in name!
ReplyDeleteI think darkest hour is just before dawn.
I want to tell you that lot of people not only awaiting some great results from you, but they really respects and loves you.
As for me, you are one of the greatest people I've ever met.
So I wish you to find new wave, and continue your way, however it would be))
Thank you Roman so much, for sharing your thoughts. What a brave act, to reveal your inner workings in such a way. I'm a bit lost on words right now, after reading the article. I sincerly hope, as it seems from the bottom of the text, that your cogs and gears are back in alignment now and will run smoothly. Make a step back, if possible, and enjoy the world around you, a muse is often hidden in plain sight :-)
ReplyDeleteAll the best,
Chris
There was a time for about six months last year where I didn't want to paint...no, I wanted to paint, but my muse had gone to sleep and wouldn't wake up. I sat at my painting desk and looked at the models that were in progress, but couldn't find the will to paint them or even try. I was suffering burn out from some furious painting at the end of the previous year and just coming back from a convention, where I had amazing times with best friends and made new friends too. But all my joy and solace I found in painting was gone. This was really stressful to me because painting is what I do to de-stress, find solace, and escape from my daily life.
ReplyDeleteWhat I did was that I did *anything* other than painting. I still read about painting on Massive Voodoo and other blogs, websites, and online magazines. I still looked at models and learned about a lot more models that I had no interest in before. I watched painting videos and Youtube videos. Very slowly, my muse woke from her slumber, refreshed and talked to me again. The time away from painting was very painful for a while, but it gave me time to learn things I didn't know and see things I wasn't aware of. For me, it was a growing experience.
I'm happy to see that you're finding your joy in painting again.
I like the direct and open way you use to talk about your thoughts and feelings. Depressions are sadly a part of our modern life and in my opinion they are a result of the pressure which is put onto us by society. In all advertisement we see some kind of "perfection" (perfect body, perfect work, money, politeness) and society pushes us more and more to follow this "perfection". After enough input you even slowly start to believe this and push yourself to reach this "perfection" which is hillarious. Perfection is not possible at all, but because of all this inner and outer pressure we slowly feel wrong about anything that might somehow be called a mistake (= not the proclaimed perfection). The inner wish for freedom and its denial by yourself or your sorroundings is in my opinion the start for depression.
ReplyDeleteBut who the fuck decides what is "perfection" and what is not? Doing something different might be seen as "not doing the right thing" by society. You even might fail in your attempt and all might laugh at you. BUT you made your experience and others have not. You are different and by this you are unique. Go you own way and don´t give a shit on all this "you must". Do what you like and what you think is good for you and your sorroundings. By this you can break the cycle of depression and free yourself of all the pressures. Nobody will kill you if you do this and as long as YOU feel, it might be right, it´s ok to try it :)
Roman, It is as if you are inside my mind as I read this I too have gone though this exact thing. It is terrifying to fee so lost, and moving forward as you have found out is not easy, Yet here you are doing exactly that, and by putting your thoughts out for all to see you have taken a giant step forward in the process. I know that times are hard and the road long but just keep paddling and your wave will find you.
ReplyDeleteExpectations, I could say a lot about this but I will keep it brief. The expectations that others have of you and your work, either real or imagined.. . Who cares? It is not anyone's place to have such things. Do not even let these things into your space, they help nobody, and never have. Your work, and writings have been a constant source of inspiration for me as a painter over the years. You are a truly gifted artist and visionary in the miniature painting world. To me it has never been about your technical ability, or blending powers or even your lighting placements or any of the technical aspects of your work, as impressive as they are. It has been the raw emotion and character, the style and substance of your works. The worlds you create within a single figure. It is in fact the "rough" pieces that in my ever so humble opinion are the true masterpieces, they blur the lines of miniature painting and fine arts painting. I hope my words help at least in a tiny way. Throw on some tunes, Grab a brush and make a beautiful mess!
Sometimes to get to the light you have to keep digging down.
ReplyDeleteYou guys provide inspiration, and knowledge that has inspired me and taught me more than I could repay.
I think that when people give selflessly to others, even if it is about painting miniatures it promotes a type of positive vibe that makes the world a little better.
It sounds cheesy, I realize but I thought you should know.
You guys reach people and change their lives for the better.
I understand you, Roman. That sooner or later everyone will experience. My friend the sculptor went through a very dark period, and he is back at the lights. It is important to have friends around, relax, nothing overdo. You have a huge amount of amazing work behind. I'm glad you find a way back into the light and I wish you all the best. Daniela
ReplyDelete(sorry for bad English)
We have never met in real life but I’ve been following Massive Voodoo for a long time. You are probably the most influential painter I’ve ever seen: looking at you paintjobs, your bases and reading your quotes/reflections/whatsoever on the blog is one of my daily pleasures. :)
ReplyDeleteI’ve read your last Kong-fu post the other day and I felt so sorry for the period you’ve been living… I know that this is probably a useless comment from a tiny little painter like me, but seeing my favorite painter in this mood made me quite sad… I just want to tell you a thing: when I’m feeling down about my minis or my painting, I always go to the jungle of Massive voodoo, the place of astonishing paintjobs, the only blog in which the true feeling of happy painting comes out.
Don’t let it get you down, Roman. Do everything you like. Paint on canvas, ride on your bike, spend some time with your friends, listen to music (there’s a thing I like to do when I’m tired of the same songs: I go to my local record shop and I buy a random cd. Imho, I’ve discovered some interesting new things! :D), live your life away from the painting table. Recharge your batteries… and then come back to the workbench as big monkeys do! :D
Keep on happy painting, Roman!
Niccolò
P.s. On the cover of my Moleskine I’ve written one of your quotes: “Enjoy your work, stay a kid inside”
Enjoyed isn't the right word, but I thought this was a brilliant post Roman - very honest and open around a challenge I think everyone faces in some way, shape, or form at some point in their personal and professional life. Coincidentally, something I've faced/am facing myself at the moment, so I can entirely appreciate where you are coming from.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear that you seem to be turning the corner on it and hitting an upswing again now too. I've always been a big admirer of your work (as you probably know already) and the breadth of styles you produce as a subset of your overall, immediately recognisable style ("macro style" if you will).
That face in the middle of the post is a thing of sheer painted beauty. As Rafael noted in his comment - surrounding yourself with talented, passionate painters is definitely something that will help. You have my envy for that as I can't say I've ever really met up and painted in person with other artists - ah to live in Augsberg or Madrid! :) (you are all welcome to visit Scotland anytime btw!)
Enjoy the fresh adventure and as always, I look forward to seeing the fruits of it whenever you are ready to share!
Cheers,
Andrew (aka CMDante)
I think I leraned this lesson mate and I hope that you also learned that you are the only one who be able to eliminate that pressure you carry around with you . What you share with us on the blog is great and the community should not forget that it is for free , and I think that`s the point where you have to slow down a bit .
ReplyDeleteI think everybody here loves what you and the rest of the Voodoo crew share with us and I aslo think that everybody is thankfull for every post here on the blog if there is one everyday or just one a week .
At the end I just can confirm you That the Force is with you my friend , but sometimes you shouldn`t force yourself to much ;)
@all
ReplyDeleteI am thankful for all your comments as they are really warming my heart. For me it was not easy to speak about my inner self and getting back so much from you is something I did not expect. As I said I try to break free now without looking back no more. I am not sure were this will lead me and I have a rough road ahead of me, finding my inner strength again. I think I might see the road ahead but walking it is another story.
I also want to say that this post of mine is not about fishing for compliments as some who do not comment might think. It is not about me in need for nice words about my work, how inspirational it is to others or something like that. That is not why I wrote this. I wrote it to restart. To let it all out.
Thanks for your comments, really appreciated.
Hey Roman, i was asking myself why the "Output" of post's were down in MV in the last month. By spending some minutes I got it, you and your friends, okay mainly you have so much article, classes/ miniture and bust in last year. I was happy to read all that and were shure, it can be to much. I'm with you and happy that you got it, an that you find a way to find some that help's to come back to see and feel the happiness of painting and you life.
ReplyDeleteLike some other follower tell before, the pressure out of society and out of enviroment is high, let him not distroy your happiness in life and passion. I'm sure you can get it fully back by painting as well by following other stuff. And true since the beginnend sun help's a lot, but not only the sun. Some times it's enouth to walk outside, take a deep breth and enjoy in wind, rain and natural light. Don't take care it's sun or not, rain is nice as well ;-)
Dear Roman,
ReplyDeletegrinding work to meet somebodys expectation on your own work is contrasting the way of our inner child. Kids don't look back, they take the way that appeals to them; the most beautiful and most adventurous. Whatever road you will take, you are charismatic, inspirational and skilled in such a way, that you will encourage others to accompany you (at least till some other way is sooo appealing^^).
We all understand that being self-responsible forces us to take steps on less pleasurable ways - but give your inner child some time to enjoy all the wonderous things that happen every day. Not only in painting, but also in your natural neighbourhood. What helps to fuel my creativity is to spend some time hiking and literally taking the appealing ways, without bothering where this road will carry me.
I hope you'll soon find your inner strength again.
The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.
;D
PS: You are cordially invited to join our hiking trips
Dear Roman
ReplyDeleteYou have my deep respect for writing this words and even deeper respect for choosing this kind of communication channel. Most others would have handled that as a private issue and would not have exposed themselve. I mean, there is a certain "risk" that you will be asked how you are and how you feel in the next few months. However, even though it seems to be a strange way for the first glance, I can also see that speaking so open about your innerst feelings on your blog is probably one of the best ways to cure yourself.
About expectations.
I'm a consumer and a beneficiary. I love this blog. It's inspiring and helpful. It's not only about MV, it's about every blog and every forum, which are quite important for the community, and which I'm so glad and thankful that the people behind spend so much time and energy into. But do I have the right to expect anything? No, nobody has!
Additionally, according your background in art history, you know that there were and still are so many wars going on in the art scene. HR Giger for example, his entire life he wasn't accepted in the high society of the art scene. He has never been allowed to exhibit at the museum of art in Zürich. Did he feel pressurised because of that? Did he care about the oscar they gave him? Did he care about expectations of other people? Probably it's not completely comparable to your situation, but you can identify the parallels.
Roman, it's schizophrenic that it was you who gave me the most important lesson about miniature painting: It's all about fun! Do only what you like to this very moment. Paint with joy! Don't feel pressurized by demons and ghosts out there...
It doesn't matter what you are going to do in future, I'm glad that you find back on the path of health, happiness and satisfaction, which is most important.
Take care and all the best,
Cornel
PS: Yes, facebook is a whore!
Hey Roman, solche Löcher kennt wohl jeder. Jedenfalls jeder über 40... ;)
ReplyDeleteGerade wenn man sein Hobby zum Beruf gemacht hat und aus Spaß Stress werden kann. Kopf hoch, dass legt sich wieder. Außerdem werden die Tage jetzt spürbar länger und wärmer – dann sieht die Welt grundsätzlich besser aus.
Vielleicht sehen wir uns in ein paar Tagen in Belgien.
LG,
Erik
Ach ja, Facebook: Für mich die Perversion des Begriffs Sozial.
Roman:
ReplyDeleteYou're part of the best group of painters I've ever seen. I don't mean to talk you up or flatter you; I simply want you to know that your thoughts and ideas are valuable. If you need time, take it (I'm a psychologist and someone who knows how depression can be). But I want to see you back here sometime. Your talent and artistry will be sorely missed. Again, don't take this as anything that it's not. If you need a month, a year, a century, I won't hold it against you. Center yourself and come back, better than ever. I think I can speak for all of us jungle watchers when I say I look forward to seeing you back in action.